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Everyone and Everything All at Once

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by

Margaret

“I had dinner with myself 21 times last night. They all showed up, each year of my life. Fifteen came in naive, stuck in his own head. One and two were at the end of the table, taking turns being fed by 16, who’s a little distracted trying to fit in. Eleven wouldn’t stop talking about how he wanted to be a policeman. Seven was soft and gentle, kind of in the corner alone. Nineteen didn’t want to be there and thought about going home…”

-Joshua De Shutter

We are everyone we’ve ever been, but I didn’t realize that when I was 21 like this poet. When I used to write poetry as a teen, I didn’t think deeply about who I was and had been. Now I can look back and see events that shaped me into this person. What would my poem look like? “I had dinner with myself 69 times last night and I showed up on time, oldest responsible child that I am. 18-year-old me was impatiently ready to ditch my family life and experience the excitement of college and living away. 23-year-old me told funny stories about being a first-year teacher while my much more experienced dad grimaced in sympathy. 56-year-old me surrounded myself with friends at dinner, then talked too much (?) about the fears and sadness of widowhood. 69-year-old me circled back around to discuss worries about daughters, grandsons, relationships and health and agreed with my dinner companions that the roller coaster keeps on rolling, up and down, turning and twisting…”

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to protect myself from Mari.

She knew I had left over halibut and was suddenly my best friend. I made the mistake of giving her a little bit and that made her even more aggressive assertive.

I got distracted and by the time I noticed her, she was licking the frosting off my blueberry white chocolate scone. Dang, she’s fast!

In the chillier weather, the tulips have closed up. However, they’re starting to lose petals and we’re in for a nice forecast which will push them over the edge. I’m hoping the bearded irises will bloom soon!

Screenshot

John and I will take advantage of the sun/partial sun to take the camper out Sunday through Tuesday. We’ll be going into the trees here; I’m looking forward to some walks and quiet times. Mari is happily oblivious that she’ll be spending two nights at a Cat Condo at my vet’s. I just don’t trust her alone in the house for that long. She gets lonely–and vindictive!

Tomorrow John and I will drive south to take Mom and Dad’s artwork to my cousin, Linda; she expressed a strong desire to have these since her grandmother Freddie (my grandfather John’s sister) gave them to my parents when they married in 1954. Although I have my parents’ chairs and dining room table, I don’t like these at all; they remind me of Maleficent. Scary!!

I finally checked the dermatology portal to see my results from the biopsy, all written in murky doctor speak, but with Internet help, figured out that the patch on my arm was benign. It was simply a sign of OLD AGE. I’m relieved that it’s not cancer but sigh.

Perhaps that’s why I was inspired to write the short poem about my past. I’m feeling some nostalgia for those younger and more innocent days.

Comments

46 responses to “Everyone and Everything All at Once”

  1. Midwest Mark Avatar
    Midwest Mark

    Wow, “We are everyone we’ve ever been” is surprisingly deep. And true. I’m going to have to ponder that one for awhile.

    Kanaskat-Palmer State Park looks beautiful. Enjoy!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      We take pieces away from every stage of our lives and the events that shape us. Hey, I’m a deep person! LOL Or being retired, I have too much time to twiddle my (mental) thumbs. 🙂 I’m hoping to get John out on some walks; he’s too sedentary. There won’t be as many distractions for him (like YouTube) while we’re out camping.

      Reply
  2. Michael Avatar
    Michael

    That poem is great. It really made me think of my 69 dinners myself.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Thank you! I wrote it on the fly and I’m sure it could be better. But if I wait too long and spend too much time, I end up not writing at all.

      Reply
  3. Doug M Avatar
    Doug M

    I think I read that dinner with myself 4 times now, I really enjoyed that. 69 times with myself, my gosh it does give one a lot to think about. I did like that, Margaret. I enjoyed seeing Mari too, her dessert did look pretty tasty ;^) Well, it sounds like you & John will have a nice little getaway and I hope you get back soon, you will be missed. :^)

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      At least it wasn’t the lemon raspberry scone. I had a small piece of that that I ate first because I like it so much better. I still hated to throw away the blueberry white chocolate one though. 😩Cats are supposed to be carnivores! Those different ages were still essentially me, but different in unique and interesting ways.

      Reply
  4. JT Twissel Avatar
    JT Twissel

    There are a few mes that I don’t particularly want to invite to dinner but I suppose they must be dealt with! I’ve never had a cat who wanted to eat human food!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      12-13 year old Margaret can stay in her room, away from people. 😂 Parts of my 30s were also a struggle. Way too busy and too stressed to be good company!

      Reply
  5. Linda Avatar
    Linda

    Nice poem, Margaret. Mari is beautiful. Cats are opportunists and very smart.
    Your flower photo is gorgeous.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Mari is an old cat yet also quick. She shouldn’t like human food as much as she does, especially sweets. I keep telling her they’re not good for her, but she doesn’t listen. 😂

      Reply
  6. Susan Avatar
    Susan

    Great poem. It makes me think more deeply about my past, present and even future. We are all evolving in our own way.
    Have fun camping and enjoying nature and the outdoors. Long walks exploring new paths while taking in the woodland fauna a flora sounds great.
    I can understand Mari’s preference for Halibut. Her sweet tooth is unusual for a cat. A little sweet occasionally is probably okay. She is fast and will not be denied.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Mari shouldn’t have chocolate but her love of frosting (probably the butter) won’t hurt her, in small doses. Once I left out most of a cube of butter to soften it and when I came down the next morning, she had licked it completely GONE. I like to think about how I’ve evolved and also how I’ve stayed the same in many ways. I tell people that my late husband wouldn’t recognize me after 13 years. I’ve had to be very independent and handle everything myself; although we were independent people, I leaned on him a lot for various things. He was a security blanket and extremely capable and logical. I can’t match up to him, but I’m much closer than I used to be.

      Reply
  7. Pipe Tobacco Avatar
    Pipe Tobacco

    Hah! It was funny, while reading the poem I was wondering/thinking that perhaps it was a quote from “The Prisoner” that I did not recall. The reason being is that everyone in the program has lost their name and referred to by a number.

    But as a poem, it is rather beautiful. But also, it imparts a sense of melancholy in me.

    It is interesting to me that you were eager to start college and be away from your family. I am wondering if that is a common truism for the oldest children in a family? Not that it is unusual to feel that way at all….. but my experience was different…. perhaps because I was “First Generation” or perhaps being at the bottom of the birth order….. my own feelings were primarily worry….. and a sense of duty that I had to try…..it was expected of me…. and fear of being lonely (as an introvert, it took me quite a while to develop friendships). But I recognize the same sort of strong desire to be away, having seen it in my oldest kid and also in my oldest sibling who moved out right after HS graduation.

    Even though I normally do not pay much attention to birth order theories, it does sometimes make me wonder.

    I am glad your biopsy was negative. It looks like the sample taken was quite large…. it looks like it must be still painful.

    PipeTobacco

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Oddly, the biopsy site isn’t painful at all; it’s never hurt, unless I put pressure on it. (which I avoid) I do think that birth order does have an effect although it doesn’t put anyone in a distinct box. I definitely give off oldest child vibes and my surviving brother is baby of the family all the way. I think it’s important to look at our ages and stages of life as fascinating glimpses of how we’ve changed, both in good ways and not-so-great. I was very shy as a child and teenager but now am not. Teaching and being around students and colleagues constantly helped me lose most of that. However, my reserve/timidity still come out occasionally–especially if I’m in a group of people I don’t know. So, the quiet little blond girl is still in there somewhere. 🙂

      Reply
  8. AC Avatar
    AC

    That is an interesting contemplation about dining with your younger selves. Enjoy the impending camping trip.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I thought it was very interesting and wanted to copy the idea although I didn’t do anywhere near as well as the 21-year-old poet. But I tried!

      Reply
  9. Marie Avatar
    Marie

    We like the word benign! Enjoy your trip. Here’s hoping you’ll have nice weather.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      The weather looks good but being in the woods means it will feel cooler. I’ll take the usual layers. Hope your mom continues to improve! I now wish I hadn’t had anything done with it though; I’ll have an unsightly scar on my arm instead of just a scaly patch.

      Reply
  10. Maureen Avatar
    Maureen

    What an intriguing exercise, to meet up with all the different me’s through the years. A journal sure would help me recall myself. I have a similar biopsy site, but on my leg. I’ll need to check it out. Your forecast looks very similar to mine.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      There are many different MEs and I would like some of them better than others. I never kept up a diary and wish I had. My blog is all I have and it’s only 22 years old. I hope the burn off heals OK and doesn’t leave too big a scar. At least it’s only on my arm. The grandsons love looking at it; they are fascinated by owees.

      Reply
  11. Pixie Avatar
    Pixie

    I liked the poem and your reply. I hope you and John have a wonderful time at the park, it’s beautiful. We just booked a weekend in the mountains in two weeks, Jack is excited and so am I. We need to take back our lives.
    That biopsy took a nice chunk out. I had an ultrasound yesterday, the lump on my clavicle that is pressing into my esophagus is arthritis. I had no idea but at least I’m not dying:)
    And cats can be a pain in the butt, but you know that.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      The poem and trying to emulate it made me think hard about what parts of me I like and which ones I don’t. (and where they might have come from) Which MEs would I want to have dinner with to chat about feelings and opinions? Which ones would I want to slap? LOL I love the mountains although we usually head toward forests or water. This place is next to the Green River. I do hope that the biopsy site heals nicely although I don’t mind scars on my arm. Is that lump annoying you or was it a worry because it might be something dire? Not that arthritis isn’t awful–I have some in my feet and hands; it’s NOT pleasant.

      Reply
      1. Pixie Avatar
        Pixie

        The lump was annoying, I worked in cancer care so of course I was half convinced it was cancer, but it’s not thank goodness. I guess the lump is still annoying but now I know it’s not going to kill me:)

      2. Margaret Avatar
        Margaret

        Any unexplained lump is a worry at this age! Glad it’s OK.

  12. Jay Avatar
    Jay

    What an interesting thought process. I think I would need to lump some decades together. Definite changes but sometimes I have a hard time placing memories in time. Too many or too old.
    Pets do keep you on your toes. I once had a kitten that tried to drag a slice of pizza under the couch while I was up getting a drink.
    We have 1 tulip still hanging on, lavender.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      My 30s were a blur with working and little kids, and many of my memories kick in from photographs. Unlike many people, I don’t have strong memories of my childhood. It was happy and secure! Mari is crazy about people food.😫 Cheese and cottage cheese are two of her passions.

      Reply
  13. Matt Shifley Avatar
    Matt Shifley

    The idea that we’re carrying all those past versions of ourselves to the table is such a powerful way to look at life—I can only imagine the conversation between your 23-year-old teacher self and the 69-year-old you! I’m so glad the biopsy results were benign; ‘old age’ is a much better diagnosis than the alternative. Enjoy the quiet of the trees and the camper this weekend—hopefully, John leaves the YouTube behind and joins you for those walks!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Perhaps we can see ourselves clearer when we look at those past versions of ourselves; how did we get where we are today? It was a process. Old age is a good diagnosis in this case. 🙂

      Reply
  14. Luftmentsch Avatar
    Luftmentsch

    I’m relieved you don’t have cancer!

    The poem idea is fascinating, although I wouldn’t write my version publicly. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve changed clearly year on year. I’ve evolved over longer periods, maybe a decade at a time.

    I don’t like that art either!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I don’t remember specific years either, just generalities about decades–with some major events thrown in there. Linda is welcome to that artwork! I can appreciate that it’s unusual without wanting to look at it every day. I remember my dad in his last days thinking he was back in his boyhood town and believing that he heard his long dead parents talking outside his room. It was poignant yet thought-provoking.

      Reply
  15. addofio Avatar
    addofio

    I have two male cats; one is really sure that people food is better than that dry stuff they get, and will harass me (meow loudly and persistently—I call him my pushy-cat) until I give him a taste, no matter what it is. The other one is pickier and rarely is interested. The first (Shadow) became very aware that the dog gets to lick plates and skillets and decided he should get to also. He feels very strongly that he should get first dibs. I had to buy butter dishes back when they were kittens that have heavy lids because he would push a lightweight lid off to get at the butter. Sometimes it amazes me the things he likes—e.g., a vinegar-based salad dressing!? The dog also likes it, but dogs are somewhat omnivorous, so that didn’t surprise me as much, but a cat? Weird.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Cats are supposed to be picky, aren’t they?? One daughter’s cat doesn’t care about people food, but don’t leave an open water glass around because she’ll drink out of it. The other daughter’s two cats aren’t interested in anything that’s not meat. That makes more sense than a love for pastries and butter.

      Reply
  16. Steve Avatar
    Steve

    That poem is clever — and clever of you to replicate it! You’re in just about the same place we are weather-wise. Those portraits from your Mom are very ’50s!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I tried to replicate it because it fascinated me. Thinking of myself in different stages made me realize that I’ve evolved over the years, shedding certain aspects that didn’t serve me or fit my current life. John and I looked up the portraits when we were going to sell them (until cousin Linda contacted me) and they were worth a bit of money.

      Reply
  17. Ed Avatar
    Ed

    I always used to marvel at the skin of my grandparents as it changed with age. I wondered what they had done to get such blemishes. But anymore, I look at my skin and see the only thing they did was age. It is such a shame I can’t keep the skin of my youth.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Perhaps outdoorsy people like us get more sun damage than those who stay in all the time? I wonder if the liver spots (weird term) come to everyone though eventually.

      Reply
  18. Betty Renfroe Avatar
    Betty Renfroe

    At 18, I thought I could conquer the world. At 76, I know the world won the battle. I’m pretty useless and worthless most days.

    Hope John does the chores camping and you can just take it easy.

    Well, Mari has an appetite. She’ll think she’s in jail. Maybe she’ll love you more when you go pick her up.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      There are all those stages in between, including child rearing, and having grandchildren. The world does win many battles, but we are still here and enjoying what we can! I feel bad, leaving Mari in a facility, but since she’ll be in there for a week when I go to Ireland, it’ll be a good introduction.

      Reply
  19. Anne Bennett Avatar
    Anne Bennett

    I really like this post and your take on poetry. I just finished a poem by Sandra Cisneros called “Canto for Women of a Certain Llanto” in the style of Dylan Thomas’ famous poem about raging about aging. It starts:

    I’d rather wear none
    than ugly underwear made
    for women of a certain age.
    Rage, rage. Do not go into the good night
    wearing sensible white or beige.

    There. We’ve both had a poetic moment today!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I like that too–I’ve worn white underwear but now am more into colors, although not with white capris. LOL

      Reply
  20. Musings Avatar
    Musings

    This was very introspective. I guess we’ve all been through so many MEs. And yes, I have too. I’ve read back journals I wrote decades ago and they bring back a different me when I had so much future to look towards. Now I look back and am content.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I wouldn’t be happy with some of my past MEs, but they did form me into who I am today. I’ve made some choices about the person I strive to be and work at learning and improving. That’s the best I can do!

      Reply
  21. Musings Avatar
    Musings

    Oh goodness… I just ran across a reply you wrote to someone else and I see we think alike.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Yes, I think we are a lot alike, Kay!

      Reply
  22. kayak woman Avatar
    kayak woman

    The first time I read this post, I didn’t process the poem(s) but when I came back at a quieter time, I totally get it. I also often think about all of the former versions of myself that still lurk inside although I’ve never written a poem about it. The unfortunate part of this are that there are people who remember some of the not very wonderful parts of me and don’t realize that I have added many layers to my personality since those days.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I think others, as well as we too, remember those not-so-great parts of our various selves over the years, forgetting that we learn and grow. I can be too hard on myself although I’m getting kinder about my foibles, both past and current.

      Reply

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