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Unspoken and Unsent

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by

Margaret

I thought John and I might get together today, but he had a temporary family issue to deal with and was exhausted because of it. He was responsible for taking his older granddaughters to the airport for their flight to Texas yesterday, which he did via the light rail. He checked them in and waited with them (with his special pass) since one is an unaccompanied minor. Afterward, he returned home, believing all was well. A few hours later, his daughter and son-in-law called; due to a severe dust storm in Texas and the next closest airport (Albuquerque) being unavailable (thunderstorms?), the pilot had decided to turn the plane around to Seattle. So, at 12:30 a.m. John was back at SeaTac to pick up the granddaughters, got to his house at 1:30, to sleep about an hour later and texted me the next morning at 8ish to tell me that he was back in a long line at SeaTac to check the girls in. His words: “That’s another “fun” time I’d rather not repeat.” For anyone, it would be a lot, but for a 72-year-old guy who was still fighting a cold, it was a little overwhelming, although John handled it with aplomb. When we do eventually meet up, much of what happened on the camping trip will remain unspoken. John hates drama and lots of emotion, so I’ll try to be as dispassionate as possible. The time and space since the trip will help with that; I’ve been able to process more and think about how I’d like to move forward. Carefully!

At least, the granddaughters got to ride in this awesomely decorated plane!

Before it rained this morning (yay!), I snapped this shot of the white Stargazer. They are star-like, aren’t they?

Baby Ian has one bottom tooth and his top two teeth; I couldn’t manage a decent photo of them, but he has such a different smile with them! As well as the mess with the camping trip, YD’s life is the usual chaos and dysfunction. I’m so, so tired.

I’ve drafted an email message to both daughters, currently unsent, that much as I appreciate the thought, I would like my 70th birthday party cancelled, as long as there is no deposit penalty and if it’s fairly easy to let the guests know. I’m not feeling at all celebratory and would rather acknowledge my birthday in a low-key way, if at all. That’s not self-pity, just reality.

Send or not send?

Comments

41 responses to “Unspoken and Unsent”

  1. Doug M Avatar
    Doug M

    First of all, that white Stargazer is beautiful–and so is Baby Ian, that sweet little guy. I am shocked about the tooths. Oh Margaret… are you sure you want to send that to your daughters? Given the current issues I don’t blame you–but 70 is a big milestone. I can only say, if that’s really what you want, the sooner you tell them the better. :^(

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I was surprised to see the top two teeth. I thought the second bottom one would come in first. Perhaps it’s there and I haven’t noticed it. Those bottom ones are small! I’m not at all sure I want to send the email although I’m 100% sure that I’m uncomfortable with the party. If it goes ahead, it might be great–or a disaster. I do know that I’m not feeling like attending. So, you vote not to send and think about it a bit more? (not too much longer though)

      Reply
      1. Doug M Avatar
        Doug M

        Margaret, I do vote not to send… or at least let OD know you’re thinking of canceling.

  2. raincharm Avatar
    raincharm

    Ian is so adorable. Even more beautiful than the lilies.
    On the question, my thought is to not send. Part of this is allowing them to do this for you. As a joint endeavor perhaps it will have benefits. And if it doesn’t happen others will also miss getting to share time with you.
    But I am a cock-eyed optimist, so perhaps I just have rose-colored glasses.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      He is even cuter than that photo shows; I was trying to capture the teeth. 🙂 I’m still undecided about the party but am definitely not wanting to have it. To be honest, I wasn’t on board with the idea in the first place. I just wanted a family dinner or something small.

      Reply
  3. AC Avatar
    AC

    The white flower with the red pistils (if that is what they are) is almost stunning, and it was followed by a delightful photo of Ian. It’s alright to change plans. Sometimes, good ideas don’t work out best when realities change.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I agree about the realities of life and relationships; sometimes it’s best to pivot to a different plan. I’m not a fan of white but I do love the shape of the Stargazer. As you know, it’s partly what my blog is named after. (as well as my interest in astronomy)

      Reply
  4. Pipe Tobacco Avatar
    Pipe Tobacco

    Easier said than done…. I know…. so this may be somewhat of a “pipe dream” idea…. but perhaps IF you decide to send the e-mails…. couch them with the idea that the parties involved in the harshness need to get together to try to resolve and repair the hurts…. prior to deciding with continuing with the trip OR not?

    If the folks are amenable to this notion, it MIGHT offer a way to repair/heal the situation? If not, it may at least help them to better understand how deeply it has hurt you….. and while repair is the best goal….. at least having those involved understand more of how you are hurting….. cannot at least help them to more accurately perceive your emotional
    status.

    Again, I may be off base…. so ignore if so…. but just trying to find possible avenues that MAY be of help.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I think that getting together with the parties involved is the best idea although it comes with emotional risk. I’m much better and more dispassionate in writing than in person. After the last situation, I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing or not enough/too much. I’m not great at walking on eggshells! All my blog friends are so kind and supportive; I appreciate you very much.

      Reply
  5. Maureen Avatar
    Maureen

    That lily is so striking! Teeth already for Ian? While I can’t really say whether to cancel or not, I’d do it in person or via phone call rather than email. The written word leaves too much to the imagination re: intent, mood, etc. The receiver gets to fill that in, and their own insecurities/emotions will be imported into your message. It is a tough decision that I don’t envy.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I’m thinking that in person would indeed be better although more emotional. I just don’t want to deal with any of it! Part of me resents that I have to.

      Reply
  6. Michael Avatar
    Michael

    John’s ordeal at the airport sounds just awful. And exhausting too. Your lily and your grandson are just beautiful! His smile makes me smile!

    As far as the 70th birthday party….I totally get what you are saying. My own husband broached the subject about having a “big bash” for my 70th, and I told him absolutely not. I hate being the center of attention and I know I would be uncomfortable with the whole shindig. So I don’t think I am a good one to give advice on this one!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Ian is a gorgeous baby, and his toothy grin is adorable. The awful part though is that he can now grind his teeth (common in babies) which is like fingernails on the proverbial chalkboard. My parents didn’t do birthdays except as a special meal and cake. I wanted only a small fuss for my 70th. This party feels like too much, even before all the drama.

      Reply
  7. sillygirl Avatar
    sillygirl

    My birthday is this Thursday – my husband asked what I wanted to do and I said get the free coffee – and that is it. I am past celebrating one day a year – all days are a celebration.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I always want my free coffee too! Some years I’m not able to get it; they used to allow a week or so and now it’s just on the actual date.

      Reply
  8. Pixie Avatar
    Pixie

    It’s your birthday, you do what you want to do, not what other people want for you. How do you want to spend the day?
    Poor John, that’s a lot. I imagine a good long nap was involved:)
    My husband turns 65 this month and I asked him what he wanted to do. Nothing. I’ll make him a nice supper and a carrot cake. He’s been having a hard time, tired all the time but not willing to retire yet. He has no friends and doesn’t know what he’ll do with himself. Sigh.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I’m not really sure how I want to spend the day. The party isn’t scheduled for my actual birthday anyway. John is still exhausted–probably from stress as well as no sleep. I love carrot cake too! Retirement is a difficult decision for some. John would have stayed working at Boeing after his wife died, but then they moved his group to Oklahoma City. There was no way he was willing to move to OK.

      Reply
  9. Pipe Tobacco Avatar
    Pipe Tobacco

    I have deep sympathy for John’s plight. I am hopeful that his granddaughters were appreciative of him and not just focused on their challenges in the flights…. which are important too…. of course….. but navigating multiple times a large airport like that in a short time frame is a lot of effort.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      They’re teenagers, so I doubt they thought much about what he had to do. He mentioned that they had been on their phones for so much of the flight that one had 10% battery left and the other 2%. Fortunately, since one is an unaccompanied minor, the airline had all his information and could call him with updates.

      Reply
  10. Steve Avatar
    Steve

    Wow — that is a nightmare airport story for sure. Must have been a heck of a dust storm.

    I don’t know enough about the circumstances of your family rift to weigh in on the birthday. I’d say follow your instincts, and if you do send your e-mail, phrase it gently — perhaps in a questioning rather than declarative way.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      The dust storm set off the airport’s fire alarms so it had to be evacuated. It’s very dry there and they have these dust events fairly frequently. I’d thought about the questioning tone versus the declarative; I’m now leaning toward talking to the daughters face to face, which is riskier in some ways.

      Reply
      1. Steve Avatar
        Steve

        That does sound like it might be a better course of action, though. More room for nuance and honest exchange. Good luck!

  11. Ed Avatar
    Ed

    Airports and flying are never fun in my opinion. I look forward to any encounter with an airport or an airplane much like I would getting a tooth pulled by a veterinarian without any anesthesia.

    I have regretted lots of emails and phone messages I left in my youth. I pretty much now practice not saying anything important at all unless it is face to face in person. So my vote would be to leave the email unsent and sit down with your daughters and let them know what you are considering face to face.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I used to like flying and enjoyed sitting in the airport with some coffee and a book. The people watching is interesting. I don’t look forward to the long flight to Ireland though. Ugh. Your thoughts about a face-to-face discussion make sense.

      Reply
  12. Linda Avatar
    Linda

    Dear Margaret, your photos are gorgeous, dear friend! And Ian is absolutely precious!!!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Ian is very sweet and cute! He’s fun to be around.

      Reply
  13. Betty Renfroe Avatar
    Betty Renfroe

    Send it. Put yourself first for once. Or don’t send and then do not look for one negative occurrence. Grin and bear it. Since they’ve planned it, I’d endure it and then say I want low key for 71. My sister who passed hated turning 70. The 7 really got to her. Then in less than 2 months she was gone. It’s just a number.

    I’ve been wondering, when is your trip?

    One the white Lily is so beautiful. You’ll set it into the ground won’t you?

    I spy one top tooth in your pic of Ian. Get ready to get biten!

    Poor John. His adventure was a nightmare.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      My trip is at the end of August which feels far away–but really isn’t! As several people have commented, it might be best to discuss the party in person and not just send an email. So, that’s how I’m leaning. It’s lucky I got that photo because after it rained, it wasn’t pure white but had streaks of yellow on it. Ian does have two teeth up there and they’re very obvious, unless I try to take a picture. LOL John is still tired after all those trips.

      Reply
  14. Susan Avatar
    Susan

    In my opinion, if you think the party will just provide individuals another chance to behave badly and cause more stress, I’d cancel. It could go either way; you are likely able to gage how far things might go. At this point, nobody needs more drama. Cancelling sends a strong message, that you will not tolerate a repeat performance.
    I am sure you will make the right decision for you. It appears the offenders are not thinking clearly about how their behavior impacts you, them and the entire family.
    Ian is adorable and a wonderful, happy baby. His smile is enduring.
    The white Stargazer is beautiful. What I like about white flowers is that they show up in the darkness of the night.
    I feel for John dealing with flight cancellations and trying to get his granddaughters back to TX. He must be exhausted.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Now you make me want to snap a photo of the white one at night. Unfortunately, due to the rain, it’s now streaked with yellow. Wise words, my friend. I don’t want any opportunities for renewed drama at the party; I’ll be nervous about that occurring which will take away from my enjoyment of the celebration. Ian is a bubbly and beautiful baby; I’m not just saying that as his grandmother. Many strangers comment on how adorable he is. I haven’t heard from John yet today, but I hope he got some sleep!

      Reply
  15. ceci Avatar
    ceci

    It looks like I’m the lone proponent of a message vs face to face meeting. Here’s why: the recipients can react privately vs in company with someone they are perhaps feeling conflict with and compose a response in their own time. Also for me personally, I tend to cry when I am emotionally overloaded (and this sounds like a recipe for emotional overload) and the feeling that one “made Mom cry” is pretty horrible. On the other hand of course that would emphasize the importance of family harmony to you, and also maybe you are not weepy.

    Ceci.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      Your reasoning for the email is the same as mine although I’ve been rethinking it since it does seem cold. However, I am a weepy and emotional type which is part of the reason why I hesitate over an in-person discussion. The fact that I have to deal with this at all frustrates and saddens me.

      Reply
  16. kayak woman Avatar
    kayak woman

    Oh boy, John’s airport adventures have ME feeling tired!

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I don’t know if he’s recovered yet! He hasn’t suggested getting together.

      Reply
  17. Mary Avatar
    Mary

    Last year I was so upset at the drama in my family that I just took the light rail down to the market with my husband and walked around for my birthday. No party, and we had a wonderful time. I don’t think I’d send the email if it was me. I have cried so much over this, and they both know it, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. I am coming to the realization that this might be our new normal, and i hate it. Hugs to you.

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I am leaning toward suggesting face-to-face that we cancel the party. It was never my style to begin with. I like how you decided to spend your birthday. I know exactly how you feel about the grief of realizing that this might be the new normal. I hate it too. I just don’t see any way that it will go back to the way it was. 😢

      Reply
  18. Wakinguponthewrongsideof Avatar
    Wakinguponthewrongsideof

    birthdays are personal. if you don’t really want a big to do it’s ok….but think on it a day

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I’m waiting to talk to both daughters in person and hoping that we can figure something out. I didn’t really want the party to begin with. They arranged it as a surprise.

      Reply
  19. Wakinguponthewrongsideof Avatar
    Wakinguponthewrongsideof

    yeah. I love my birthday but not parties

    Reply
  20. Pam Avatar
    Pam

    Oh, I wouldn’t send. It was a kind thought on their part. And you might enjoy it?

    Reply
    1. Margaret Avatar
      Margaret

      I decided not to send it. Many friends advised against it and had compelling reasons for that.

      Reply

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