STARGAZER:

A View Into My Universe

While picking up this book club read at the library, I overheard a mom saying, “J, come here. I don’t have the bandwidth for you to keep being grouchy.” I hear you, Mom. According to some people in my life, I’m apparently “troublesome” or in current lingo, “I’m a lot.” Whatever that means. However, I’m rarely grouchy!

I read this gem at the beginning of the book. As an educated, employed person, I never felt powerless financially. I have/had many like-minded friends, thus I’m not isolated. Yet I’m powerless in relationships at times: unable to connect, doing the wrong thing with good intentions and unsure of what others expect or think of me, while trying to remain kind, thoughtful and understanding. I’ve thought that I mostly succeeded…until now. This makes me appreciate the simplicity and pure adulation of my cat!

Coincidentally, I share the name of the author’s mother. I haven’t read “The Feminine Mystique” and wonder if I should.

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My Strands game today decided to give me a rundown of my personality as a Leo. I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but do consider myself generous, loyal (up to a point) and some might call me bossy. I’m really more decisive, so those who fiddle fart around, as my parents would have said, might end up feeling bulldozed by my more take charge attitude. I’m willing to mostly do what others would like; however, I’m NOT going to spend hours dilly dallying and shilly shallying over making decisions. Nope, I don’t have it in me.

The front Stargazer continues to bloom, strangled though it is to try to keep it from falling over. The white lily in the back yard is taking its time and will probably be a disappointment. I’m not a big fan of white flowers.

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Someone was feeling decent enough to take his granddaughters (three of them, one had an appointment) to a local beach and then for ice cream. Today he has the older two at the airport for their flight home to Texas; their plane is delayed (quelle surprise) and he had to pay $5 a piece for two small snack bags of Doritos. John’s frugal heart was outraged!

While watering, I was shocked to see these primrose flowers. I dumped the plant in the flowerbed last fall because it was still alive; our mild winter allowed it to survive and now it’s blooming again. My late husband hated primroses because he thought their leaves looked like a weed. Although they’re not my favorite flower by any means, I love their colors and their resilience.

You can see how close the other Stargazers are to opening. As I took this photo, I realized…I don’t think the one in the back is going to be white. And does the right front one look yellow? Hmmm. Life is full of surprises, eh?

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My late husband’s attitude was “go with the flow.” In this quote, it’s more about leaning into the “ride” and seeing where it takes us, then adapting and accepting if we can. Moving forward is the key–without carrying too much heavy baggage.

Watching: “The Bombing of PanAm 103” on Netflix–it’s excellent and well-acted and researched. I enjoy watching the detective work unfold and appreciate that the mini-series doesn’t manipulate our emotions or become melodramatic.

Reading: Believe it or not, I’m STILL only at 78% on “The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny.” At least I now have the library’s e-book, so I’m not getting cramps in my hand from the heaviness of the book. Fortunately, I also have some mysteries to read and may even start “The Book Club for Troublesome Women.” This week hasn’t been the greatest in many ways, but my mochas have been tasty, my cat has been loving, and my reading is varied and plentiful.

Comments

39 responses to “Troublesome”

  1. Doug M Avatar
    Doug M

    Margaret, good to hear from you and always fun to hear what you’re reading, but I’m sorry that things haven’t seemed to change on the home front. Have you talked to John about it?

    1. Margaret Avatar

      No changes which might be good–or bad. Who knows at this point? I’m keeping busy with my own stuff, more or less. I do think my blood pressure is high right now which doesn’t please me at all. John has been tied up with his cold and now spending time with and seeing off his older granddaughters. When I do see him eventually, I’m not sure how much to share. John is easy-going and kind, but uncomfortable with strong emotions.

  2. Linda Avatar

    Hi Margaret, your photos are lovely! The lilies are gorgeous! I wish you all the best, dear friend…always!

    1. Margaret Avatar

      Thanks, Linda! There are lots of flowers right now and I love watching them bloom.

  3. JT Twissel Avatar

    I agree with that quote. You could go mad trying to figure out life. I always get a kick out of the fact that my horoscope is always wrong!

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I don’t read my horoscope, although I do identify as a Leo, but only when the descriptions are complimentary. LOL

  4. Maureen Avatar
    Maureen

    I love this post because it gives a glimpse into your personality. Let’s hear it for imperfect women! In my opinion, if someone is acting from a place of kindness, it’s hard to find fault even if their kindness didn’t hit the mark. We all deserve a bit of grace. Your stargazers are astounding. I can’t wait to see the true colors of the deck ones.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I’m nothing if not honest about myself! I could make a long list of things I’d like to change about myself, but then would I be ME? I can only keep trying to be a good person. I am very curious about those stargazers on the back deck; I remember now that they were a mix.

  5. Marie Avatar
    Marie

    More proof that cats, coffee, and books are awesome!

    1. Margaret Avatar

      Exactly–and often more worthy of our time and energy!

  6. Susan Avatar
    Susan

    Women come in all shapes, sizes and mentalities. I like to think I am a girl’s girl. I want to be supportive of my women friends and relatives. That said, I have been known to be brutally honest and forthright. This is not always appreciated. In today’s lingo, I am likely “too much” or “grouchy” as well. Silly labels are meant to insult or throw a person off. That does not work on me.
    Like you, I am decisive but also maintain the right to change my mind based on changing circumstances. I find, taking a stand on important issues is important. The less important things can slide.
    Anyone that takes actions that negatively impact me, will hear from me. Sitting quietly is not in my DNA!
    I am curious to know about the color(s) of the Stargazer on your deck. I did not know one plant could carry more than one color.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      What a perfect description of how to be supportive yet firm, a strong person who stands up for herself and others. I’ve been told that I’m too animated, I worry too much, I’m bossy (which I explained) and that I’m controlling (which I can be)–but I’m also thoughtful, kind and generous. Apparently, Stargazers come in more than one color; I thought the pink one I had was IT, but there are also white and yellow ones. I had no clue!

  7. ceci Avatar
    ceci

    I’ve never seen such a vigorous lily! Around here they tend to be willowy single stalks even if there are several flowers. Yours is like a shrub!

    And yes, airport food is such a rip off! I tend to have bags of nuts, apples, etc in my bag to stave off starvation and eating those awful snacks they hand out. And then if you get thirsty and drink something you have to visit the dreaded airplane bathroom!

    Ceci

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I think it started out as a couple bulbs that have split because it’s gotten bigger and bigger. Some years it doesn’t bloom this much though! I really needed to stake it up earlier. I drink water like a fish when I’m flying and reserve an aisle seat for that reason. (plus my b/p medication includes a diuretic); I feel so much better getting off the plane when I’ve had a lot to drink. No coffee or alcohol though. Once in a while, I indulge in an orange juice. The big news is that due to a huge dust storm in El Paso (airport evacuation) and thunderstorms in Albuquerque, the pilot has turned the plane around to Seattle. So, John’s granddaughters will be returning about 12.30 a.m. and he’ll have to pick them up at the airport then, take them to his house and figure out when they can get another flight out.

  8. Pixie Avatar

    To all the people who have told you, and me, that we’re too much, fuck them. I’m tired of hiding my light. You are just fine as you are Margaret. We’ve never met but from our emails and your blog posts, I know that you’re an honest, forthright person. That’s big. You help your children, you care for your grandchildren, and you care for you parents and your husband as he died. You’re not too much, you’re just enough:)

    https://anniewright.com/too-much/

    Being told we’re too much is how the world takes away our voice and our power.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      Thanks for that! I don’t feel like I’m too much, but apparently some people do. Unfortunately, they’re sometimes those that I need to get along with it. Walking on eggshells is not much of a relationship. I’ve done the best I can to be a helpful and good person, so I have no guilt over that. I do wish things were different though.

  9. Pixie Avatar

    And it’s a good book. I read it awhile ago and enjoyed it very much.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      It has to be better than the book I’m reading now!

  10. AC Avatar

    I had forgotten about Strands. I gave it a whirl for awhile but didn’t enjoy it very much. I should ask Sue and daughter if they still play it.I know that Sue at least still played connections, but I don’t. I do play Sudoku which nobody else that I know does. I hope what needs to get sorted over there does get sorted.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      It’s not my favorite because I’m not very good at word searches. The themes are sometimes too obscure for me. I still do connections although it breaks my brain sometimes. I’m hoping for sorted too, John.

      1. Siobhan Avatar
        Siobhan

        I have had days Margaret when relationships seem beyond my understanding- more so since Tony died . I am sorry that you are in the midst of this

        Which philosopher said if you have a garden and a library you have all you need : I would add
        a cat
        Hoping for better days for you
        Siobhan
        X

      2. Margaret Avatar

        Thank you, Siobhan. I am struggling with a couple major issues on my plate and not feeling great about my world right now. But I do have many positives in my life and will try to focus on them.

  11. Steve Avatar

    I think you’re right — that front lily might have a yellow tint and the back one definitely looks pink. Who knows what mysteries are about to unfold?!

    1. Margaret Avatar

      It will be interesting to see! They won’t replace my front Stargazer in my affections although I’m sure they’ll also be impressive.

  12. Michael Avatar

    I just read your post and I don’t think you are troublesome at all. Just through your blog entries, I can tell you are a thoughtful and kind person. We are all human and we are all imperfect. As long as we try our best to be good, that’s all that counts in my humble opinion.

    When I read Pixie’s comment, it reminded me of my own struggles with self-confidence. Ten years ago when I was going through a really rough patch in my life, this song somehow helped get me through it. https://youtu.be/pYJm14Uc6-I?si=sbTnKbmhZKsQmLEC

    Take care.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I’m doing my best but appear to have “failed” in several ways. There is no way to go back and change them or people’s perceptions of me. I believe myself to be an essentially good person although my confidence is shaken. (not destroyed!) I look forward to listening to the song.

  13. Anne Bennett Avatar

    I haven’t read The Feminine Mystique either. I think I’ll read more current books on the topic. So you are a Leo, huh? So is my sister. I nodded my head to the work “bossy” for her. i don’t think you are, though.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I think that “The Feminine Mystique” was groundbreaking for its time and now would be dated although many people seem to want to step back into the past where women didn’t have independence or equal rights to men. Thanks, I don’t consider myself bossy, but I am decisive–which can be read that way.

  14. Pipe Tobacco Avatar
    Pipe Tobacco

    In my opinion, I think it could be very helpful to share your unfortunate family issue right now… with John. Because you say he has difficulty with strong emotions…. it might be helpful for you…. not only to talk about it, but for you to (for John) state the issue in as calm and as a neutral way as you can muster….. it may help you in forcing yourself to be able to take a bit of a step back from the hurt you are feeling and to generally just talk more about what you are thinking happened to each person involved from what you think is their perspective?

    I have had to try to explain situations that have hurt me a lot….. but as devoid of my own emotions on a few occasions. It is really tough for me to do….. but I have actually found it helpful for me after the effort. Perhaps the same will be possible for you trying to be “neutral” about it but still explaining it to John?

    I may perhaps be really off base, so disregard lease of this seems really wrong. I am just trying to think of some way to perhaps be helpful.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      John had a temporary issue arise in his own family, plus the cold but I will certainly share this with him as soon as possible, and as dispassionately as I can. I tend to get emotional which John finds distracting and uncomfortable. I’m still processing some of what went on and that always helps me. Space and time give me more perspective and sometimes understanding of how to proceed. Or not! I appreciate your insightful and excellent advice and value your friendship, internet though it might be.

  15. Chris Avatar
    Chris

    Sometimes when a person lashes out at us – I believe it says more about them – and not us. If people don’t like how you act – oh well – it’s their problem. You seem like such a caring and thoughtful person. Best of luck figuring it all out.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment. I do try to be caring and thoughtful but now feel that I’ve somehow failed at that. As you write though, it probably has much more to do the other person than it does with me. Still, the shock and sadness of it mess with logic and reason.

  16. Luftmentsch Avatar

    I don’t think you’re troublesome! E and I are procrastinators, although lately I’m trying not to be.

    Airport prices are outrageous!

    1. Margaret Avatar

      I work at not being troublesome but apparently still can be; I do have opinions and do things in my own way (not a bad way) which bothers those who want everything done THEIR way.

  17. Ed Avatar

    I’m a Leo too and think I fit most descriptions quite well. But I think we tend to see what we want to see in such things and ignore the rest that don’t fit quite so nicely.

    I saw the Pan Am 103 thing come up on my Netflix and thought it looked interesting. I’m trying to finish the last season and a half of House of Cards though before I start something new.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      Yes, we do tend to see what we want to. I thought the Pan Am 103 limited series was well-done; it wasn’t sensationalized or overly emotional. Being Scottish, I like anything related to Scotland.

  18. Midwest Mark Avatar

    I’ve dilly-dallied but never shilly-shallied. I oughta give that a try sometime, I s’pose.

    1. Margaret Avatar

      But have you ever fiddle farted around? 😉

      1. Midwest Mark Avatar

        Now, that I’ve done!

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